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Old 03-16-2012, 04:00 PM   #1
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Default St. Patty's day is coming

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the
return trip the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those".
The two lads object strongly, "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, he had them same plane as yours.
Reluctantly the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the plane can't handle the load and down it goes crashing in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Where are we?"
"I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to the police station.
Mick,"What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two".

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick says, "I hope its not the thirteenth.

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you are having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".
Paddy says," Well, the jokes on them, I wasn't even home yesterday".


Mick walks in to Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of his tractor.
Mick says, "Paddy! what are you doing?"
Paddy says,"Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the
therapist recommended I do something I do something to attracter".

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons
of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant".
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!."
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Old 03-16-2012, 04:06 PM   #2
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These never get old, even for a half Irish like me. Thanks for posting.
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:32 PM   #3
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Default Irish toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears
to make him come."



Irish Humor if you don't get it, drink till it's funny
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:47 PM   #4
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church…
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:35 PM   #5
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:36 AM   #6
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:



"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:08 PM   #7
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Culture Knowledge Concerning bagpipes:

The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke,

and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.




Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted intothe room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! "




A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'



The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be THE drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.



'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father.

Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.



'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'

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Old 04-05-2012, 10:52 AM   #8
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing, mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No Bother," Murphy says, and he runs upstairs, only to meet Paddy's stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' just sent me up here to shag you both."
"Fook off, you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says, so he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
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Old 04-05-2012, 02:50 PM   #9
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

good one
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:42 PM   #10
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said.

"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:43 PM   #11
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed.

Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting,

"They're comin'".
"Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
"The Germans," replies Mick.
"How many are there?"
"About fifty thousand."
"Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."

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Old 04-05-2012, 08:46 PM   #12
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

An Irish man is sitting in a boat, and it's a small boat that sprung a leak, and it's sinking fast.

A boat of a little larger size comes along, and the captain shouts out. "Come on, hop over, yer boat's sinking."

The Irish man sat quietly, contemplating the matter. After a moment he looks over at the Captain and shakes his head. "No tanks, the Lord's gonna save me."

After trying his best the Captain gave up, and sadly left the poor Irish man to sit in his sinking boat.

After a while, another more larger boat than the last came along and the Captain shouted out. "Yer boats sinking, hurry up and climb aboard."

The Irish man folded his arms firmly. "No tanks, I'm waiting for the Lord, he's gonna save me."

"It'll be your funeral lass if you don't hop in my boat."

"So much yew know, I believe in the Lord, and I'm staying right here until the Lord himself saves me."

The stubborn Irish man turned down a steam liner, with sailors trying to thrown him a line, and eventually his boat sank and he drowned.

Now at the pearly white gates stood a hopping angry Irish man, and he looked the Lord straight in the eye and said.

"Lord, what did I ever do all me forsaken life, to deserve such a wreched death? I believed in ya, I waited for ye to save me.. but ya didn't?"

The Lord looked down at his loyal Irish man and frowned. "I sent you two boats, and an ocean steamer, what more did yew want?"
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:22 AM   #13
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Old 04-08-2012, 09:55 AM   #14
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"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine

================================================== ==

A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile, the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and ran back to his seat next to his friend.

"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your little tallywagger!" yelled the mean-looking man.

The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.

"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to do!"

The leprechaun laughed again and said, "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" asked his captor.

"Because," giggled the leprechaun, "Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!"

"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growled the angry man, "How in the hell do ya pee?"

"Just like this!" laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit with all his might.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.

Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.




What drives men to drink - Automobiles
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Old 04-08-2012, 09:59 AM   #15
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

The top 10 signs you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

10. Generic-looking green transit van with darkened windows parked across the road with “I brake for imps” bumper sticker.

9. Every time you stop on the street the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have moved a little closer.

8. All your shoes have been expertly repaired overnight.

7. Green lipstick marks on your bedroom window.

6. Card delivered with a bouquet of 4-leaf clovers.

5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically-correct lawn gnome.

4. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Black is the Colour.”

3. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

2. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

And the number one sign that you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s.
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Old 05-12-2012, 09:45 AM   #16
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Angus says, "Sean, I'm thinking of buying a dog, and I think I want a Labrador ."

"I'd think twice about that, laddy." says Sean,
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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Old 05-24-2012, 12:03 AM   #17
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:13 PM   #18
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Default Re: St. Patty's day is coming

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. DonovanAnd didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fertility candle.'

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