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Old 01-31-2009, 05:38 PM   #1
MAL-1
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Default Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Post a joke, any joke, open to all....I'll start




A priest goes to check into hotel.

Priest " Oh, I see you have the porn channel here."

Hotel Clerk " Yep"

Priest "Well, I hope that it is disabled in my room!"

Hotel Clerk "No, its just regular porn, you sick bastard"




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Old 01-31-2009, 05:52 PM   #2
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womens rights.
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Old 02-01-2009, 07:18 AM   #3
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to be considered married, What to do two women need?


a "lick-her" license.
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:53 AM   #4
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

The nurse said -
Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, loudly, then fell laughing to the floor, crying/laughing hysterically, unable to catch her breath.



Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.


Clearing her throat and being serious, she felt awful. 'I am so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'




'...It's swollen,' Fred replied.
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:11 AM   #5
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A catholic priest, a jewish rabbi, and a southern baptist preacher were walking down the street when the found a large bag full of money.

They started arguing over how to determine what to do with the money.

The catholic said they should draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle they should keep and give the rest to charity.

The rabbi agreed about the circle but said they should keep whatever lands outside the circle and give to charity what ever lands inside it.

The good ole boy said,

Well I think we should throw the money into the air and whatever God wants, he'll take.

Then we will decide about charity.
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Old 02-01-2009, 06:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Well , you are from L.A. !!
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Old 02-01-2009, 07:46 PM   #7
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet
thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or
out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his ride,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
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Old 02-01-2009, 07:48 PM   #8
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:24 PM   #9
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Default First Time Sex

First Time Sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.'
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:45 PM   #10
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

That is a good one!
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:27 AM   #11
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

How do you stop a polish army on horseback?
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unplug the carrosel
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So let me get this straight.. I moved back to the east coast for this weather..
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Old 02-02-2009, 03:05 PM   #12
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ENGAGED VS. MARRIED

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work ay I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
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Old 02-02-2009, 04:26 PM   #13
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

A baby seal walks in to a bar and sits down.

bartender comes over and says what will it be?

Baby seal says anything but a canadian club...

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Old 02-02-2009, 05:14 PM   #14
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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Old 02-02-2009, 08:34 PM   #15
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Three stay at home moms that lived on the same block decided to book an appointment with the local psychologist all for the same time.
They figured it could help them with their problems at home since they had similar lifestyles.
They brought their children with them to the first visit.
The doctor told the first lady the she named her daughter Candy because of her obsession with sweets.

The doctor told the second lady that she named her daughter Brandy because of her obsession with alcohol.

Before the doctor could say anthing to the third lady,
she jumped up and grabbed her son by the hand and said " Come on Dick , were leaving. I dont have to take this kind of abuse."
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Old 02-05-2009, 06:33 PM   #16
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Whats the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?

The drunk blows through the stop sign.




The stoner obeys it and waits for it to turn green.







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Old 02-05-2009, 07:59 PM   #17
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:06 PM   #18
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:49 PM   #19
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by SHRIKE View Post
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."

Thats a good one.
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:59 PM   #20
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

lol tis
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the master of the KLR250 said that ^^^
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