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Old 02-22-2009, 04:26 AM   #41
mcfear
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

why did the elephant fall out of the tree,

because its a bloody elephant.
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Old 02-22-2009, 09:33 PM   #42
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A drunk enters a bar and with a wink asks the bartender where he can get some "service". The bartender tells him there is a place on the corner for that. Go out the bar and turn right.
The drunk staggers out of the bar and turns left instead of right. He goes to the corner of the street where there is a podiatrist's office.
He goes inside. When he gets to the nurse at the front counter, he says he's in need of service. She tells him to go into the 1st room and put it on the table.
The drunk enters the room, strips off his clothes and sits on the table.
The nurse walks in and is stunned. She says "That's not a foot" to drunk grins and says "give it a minute"...
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Old 02-23-2009, 04:26 AM   #43
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Q - What do elephants use as Tampax.

A - Sheep.


Q - Why do elephants have long trunks.

A - Sheep don't have string.


Q - What's red and white and runs through the jungle.

A - Used sheep.

Well you guys started the stupid jokes
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Old 02-23-2009, 09:23 AM   #44
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thats just nasty lol. Good work
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McFear, you're turning into one hell of a mechanic!
the master of the KLR250 said that ^^^
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Old 02-25-2009, 06:01 PM   #45
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce
the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years,
the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.


After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee.'
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Old 02-26-2009, 03:37 AM   #46
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy pounds ?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:45 AM   #47
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Old 02-27-2009, 12:20 AM   #48
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the

next hole.



The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground

and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think

my thumb's broken
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Old 03-04-2009, 05:05 AM   #49
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Any Blondes Here?

Anyway... this blonde girl gets the car of her dreams, a 63 Corvette. After showing it off to her friends at the Beauty Parlour, she decides to head down the coast to the beach. Just outside of Malibu, the engine starts to miss and lose power. Shortly, it quits altogether, and she coasts it over to the side of the road.

She dumps her purse out on the seat, and finds her cellphone and AAA card. After working on her tan for an hour, the AAA guy shows up and starts looking at things under the hood. He tells her it''ll take a half hour or so, and gets some tools from his truck. Sure enough, 30 minutes later he emerges, and tells her to try starting it now.

The 'Vette starts and revs freely! She gushingly expresses her appreciation, and asks: "What was it? How did you fix it so fast?" "It wasn't any big deal, Ma'am, just crap in the carb." She gets a doubtful look on her face, and asks "Oh!! And how often should I do that?" w.r.
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Old 03-04-2009, 09:01 AM   #50
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Ima blonde, balding dirty blonde though. And I'll raise you another blonde joke.

What is a 710 knob?A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob.. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here .
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Old 03-04-2009, 01:12 PM   #51
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Math joke:


What is the square root of 69?


8-something.
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:17 PM   #52
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8.30662386
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:20 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird0320 View Post
Ima blonde, balding dirty blonde though. And I'll raise you another blonde joke.

What is a 710 knob?A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob.. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here .

Heh heh heh heh!

Dammit man!
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:04 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Basis for the Kernel View Post
Math joke:


What is the square root of 69?


8-something.
Awe, you beat me to it! I just couldn't figure out to put 8-something or ate something. HAHAHAHA!
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:21 PM   #55
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A ship goes down at sea, three survivors, a Salesman, a Priest and a Lawyer struggle to a sandbar off shore. As they look at the shoreline several hundred yards away, they see sharkfins moving back and forth in the water.
"When the tide rises, we'll be under water and won't stand a chance" observed the Salesman. The other two agree and they decide to draw straws to see who will chance the swim to shore with the sharks and then run for help.
The Lawyer loses the draw, and as he plunges in to swim, the Priest says to the Salesman "We must pray for his safe passage" and bends his head in prayer. As he watches the Lawyer, the Salesman sees the sharks converge on the swimmer, then turn and seemingly escort him to shore. He climbs out, waves and runs off for help. "You see my son, what the power of prayer can do?" exclaims the Priest to the Saleasman. "Prayer?" says the Salesman, "I'm sorry Father, but that was just professional courtesy"
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Old 03-12-2009, 09:17 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kawioops View Post
A ship goes down at sea, three survivors, a Salesman, a Priest and a Lawyer struggle to a sandbar off shore. As they look at the shoreline several hundred yards away, they see sharkfins moving back and forth in the water.
"When the tide rises, we'll be under water and won't stand a chance" observed the Salesman. The other two agree and they decide to draw straws to see who will chance the swim to shore with the sharks and then run for help.
The Lawyer loses the draw, and as he plunges in to swim, the Priest says to the Salesman "We must pray for his safe passage" and bends his head in prayer. As he watches the Lawyer, the Salesman sees the sharks converge on the swimmer, then turn and seemingly escort him to shore. He climbs out, waves and runs off for help. "You see my son, what the power of prayer can do?" exclaims the Priest to the Saleasman. "Prayer?" says the Salesman, "I'm sorry Father, but that was just professional courtesy"
oh good. I love it. Got to send it to my lawyer friend!
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Old 03-14-2009, 04:31 AM   #57
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

A bloke walks into the local library and says,"have you got a book about tourettes?"

the librarian says,"why don't feck off you fecking cnut"

bloke says,"yeah that's the one"
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Old 03-14-2009, 08:36 PM   #58
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No Speakah de english

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . "
Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.
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Old 03-14-2009, 10:25 PM   #59
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Good one, EOD. Your $5 is safe! w.r.
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:29 PM   #60
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Irish Declare War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the
Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me
cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us
as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you,
Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to
inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed
200,000 prisoners.'
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