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Old 05-28-2009, 09:50 AM   #81
wmtire
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

I don't think this one has been posted yet

It's all in the accent


Boudreaux went to New York after Hurricane Katrina to apply for a job at a construction site. The foreman saw him approaching and thought to himself - Oh no, another one of those Louisiana cajuns looking for a job. I got to get rid of him but don't want to make him mad, as big as he is.

Boudreaux approaches the foreman and ask if he would hire him. The foreman told him that they only hired smart people who could work by themselves and not need constant supervision. Boudreaux told him that he was smart and he could give him a test to see just how smart he was. The foreman thought about it for a minute, and handed Boudreaux a piece of paper and pen (this is the part where I always start drawing it out on a piece of paper when telling the joke).

He then tells Boudreaux that he wants him to draw a graphical representation of the number nine, but can't use any numbers or letters. He just wants to look at it and be able to see nine.

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that? How do you figure that is nine?"

Boudreaux says, "Those are trees, an everyone knows tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Ahh, the Louisiana accent there. You got me on that one. I do see it now." says the boss.

"OK, Let see if you can take that same picture and turn it into 99". The foreman just knew he had ole Boudreaux this time.

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then draws several dots on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99? I worked with you on the nine thing, but there is no way that is ninety nine."

Boudreaux answers, "During the hurricane, it kicked up a bunch of dust, so each tree is dirty now. Everyone knows that dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat be 99."

"Oh the accent thing there again. I understand and see it now" The foreman is really getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, last question. You take that same picture and turn it into 100 even and I'll hire you."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he starts drawing. He makes one little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100 even."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! I got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100. I really worked with you on the other two, but there is no way you can draw three marks and get 100 from that. What are those marks supposed to be anyway?"

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "Well, after the hurricane was over and all dat water went down, a little doggie comes along and uses the bathroom by each tree. And everyone knows that dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, dat make 100. When do I start my job?"




THE NEXT TIME YOU VISIT SOUTH LOUISIANA, YOU'LL KNOW HOW TO TALK OR AT LEAST ADD TO A HUNDRED.

Last edited by wmtire; 05-28-2009 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 05-28-2009, 12:00 PM   #82
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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my sweet Wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a school gym pupil 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. It'll make it easier to pick the bike up after a spill.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christy, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christy waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christy gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring!

Christy was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christy made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Her rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christy was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christy put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christy told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
She was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

She took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some skinny little twerp to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Christy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Christy wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in her piercing, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my helmet; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a colon exam.. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with farkles!!!
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Old 05-28-2009, 01:36 PM   #83
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A little poem, memory inspired by wmtire... one of many fond memories of my time in La:


Seville der dago
tousin buses in arow
nojo dems trux
sumit cousin
sumit dux

wmtire, you can probably get it right off... everybody else, remember the Cajun accent...
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Old 05-28-2009, 04:31 PM   #84
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverCityzen View Post

wmtire, you can probably get it right off... everybody else, remember the Cajun accent...
Oh Yeah, I'll just help those yankees up north (those people with the funny accents) a little:

some is cows and some is ducks



Here is another LA joke:

Teenome and Boudreaux were at a New Years Eve party in a Lafayette hotel. The next thing Teenome knows he wakes up in the hospital in traction, both arms broken and in a full body cast and Boudreaux sitting beside the bed with a worried look.

He asked Boudreaux what happened.

Boudreaux says, "Well, you bet everybody you could jump out that third story window, fly around the building, and come back in the same window."

Teenome said, "Hot dang man, why you let me do something like that?"

Boudreaux's reply, "I had to man, I had my money on you!"
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Last edited by wmtire; 05-28-2009 at 04:44 PM.
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Old 06-01-2009, 10:35 AM   #85
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
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Old 06-01-2009, 11:57 AM   #86
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Old 06-01-2009, 02:22 PM   #87
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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma and orders a big bowl of chili. The waitress informs him that they are out of chili, and that the feller at the end of the counter had just got the last bowl.

Well, this young cowboy is disappointed and looks down at the end of the counter. He notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:32 PM   #88
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I dont care who ya are , that there is FUNNY
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:44 PM   #89
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:59 PM   #90
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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "WHAT!!! YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER JUST TO TELL ME THAT?"
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Old 06-01-2009, 04:56 PM   #91
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Old 06-02-2009, 10:11 PM   #92
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New Joke for the day:


IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY, HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY, HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"

"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "CAUSE THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY!


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Old 06-02-2009, 10:21 PM   #93
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Default Re: Post a Joke - Make me Laugh

WMTIRE; You are the funny man! Or you have a good writer. The firewood story is great, and I like your avatar as well. Thanks for adding to the mix. w.r.
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Old 06-02-2009, 11:11 PM   #94
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you juss can't beat a good weather joke....

that was good wmtire
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Old 06-03-2009, 08:30 AM   #95
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I am glad to hear when someone enjoys a joke. It encourages me to post more.

As I stated in my introduction, I personally love jokes and kidding around with people. Laughing is always a good stress reliever, in my book.

Thanks everyone for the kind words, I'll try to tell some more good ones that I know.
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Old 06-03-2009, 10:19 AM   #96
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A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his patients to a baseball game, as part of their therapy. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients on how to respond to his short verbal commands, so they would be able to fit in at the game and not look awkward. When the day of the game arrived, he and his assistant loaded everyone on a bus and drove to the stadium.

Everyone went to their seats. When the national anthem started, the doctor turned to his patients and simply yelled, "Up, you nuts!" The patients complied by standing up and putting their hand over their hearts. After the anthem was over he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat down.

Well, after the game started, whenever the home team did good, the doc would yell, "Alright, Cheer nuts!" And they would all break into applause and cheers.

If the ump made a bad call or the visiting team made a good play, the doc would yell "Boo nuts!" and all the patients would boo and throw popcorn and such.

Thinking things were going very well and they're fitting in good, the doc decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a full-scale riot in progress where all of his patients were sitting. About 200 people were piled up in a fistfight. The doctor could see his assistant at the bottom of the pile, so he reaches in and pulls him out by his shoulders to safety.

The doc starts screaming "Man, what is going on!!! Everything was good when I left!"

His assistant replies, "Doc, after you left, everything WAS going fine........... until that guy walked by yelling, "PEANUTS!"
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Old 06-04-2009, 08:18 AM   #97
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In a California college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one blonde in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'
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Old 06-04-2009, 08:15 PM   #98
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely
naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!'
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Old 06-05-2009, 02:42 AM   #99
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverCityzen View Post
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely
naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!'
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:14 AM   #100
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'



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